So I’ve been very antsy as of late, I think sitting in Berlin waiting for all my paperwork to come in for my Visa is starting to drive me mad. I love Berlin and I really hope to get the work Visa that I’m hoping for, but waiting around is beginning to put me in a foul mood.
Last night however was a nice respite from the boring days I’ve been having. Me, my roommate in Berlin Tobi, Shon (my old air BnB host) and Shon’s friend Andy all went to this birthday party in Gorlitzer Park. At the park there is this building, it looks mostly run down and vacant, but turns out they have a pretty open party spot on the second floor.
The girl who’s party it was works at the SoHo House in Berlin. So it was like a SoHo staff event. Definitely many many very hip people there.
There was two Dj’s playing…you guessed it, Techno. You had a bunch of stomping and dancing facing the DJ. Seeing a bunch of Germans dancing never gets old.
This may be the closest representation to what they look like, but imagine a whole room full. Shon likes to try and imitate them, but being black and from LA, he just has too much soul. There is no spins, there are no dips, the arms remain at your side if they aren’t balled into a fist and making pounding movements. They enjoy marching. Sometimes I worry I fucked around and ended up at a meeting that I shouldn’t be at.
The place had the perfect amount of people in it, I think they had rented out the place for the night. The bar was cheap and I brought several joints with me. You had people chilling out on torn up couches smoking cigarettes and spliffs while they spilt Czech beer on each other because of the really drunk dude getting too excited while dancing and falling in their laps.
It was that amount of people where you can move and dance and the wait at the bar isn’t too long, at no time was the place so packed you could feel the sweat from other people in the air. Of course being that it is Germany, there was no air conditioning, so after several hours of dancing and burning the place down with joints, needless to say, your boy was raining.
I met this really cute girl from London. She gave old Hank the eye earlier in the night, but I kind of brushed it off, I was busy buying a round of drinks for everyone, and by the time I saw her again, I was ready to leave. She was laying on one of the couches so I had to kneel down to talk to her, I’m down with making a dude work for it, but damn the floor was dirty as hell. Just straight nastiness all over the floor. She was cute though, I gotta be honest. But she was only here for the weekend, so when I heard that, I decided, yep, it’s time to go home.
One thing that I have noticed since quitting my jobs and leaving the states, is that once again, I still feel out of place. I knew ever since I was a little kid that Florida wasn’t really the place for me. It still pulls at me though, like I want to prove the feelings I’ve had my whole life wrong. Now don’t get me wrong, I have some unbelievable wonderful people in my life that are in Florida. My family is there, some of my closest friends are their. It will always be home, I dunno it’s a weird feeling. The majority of my ties to people in Florida are kind of washing away. Those that are close though, will always be that way.
So I moved to Chicago, well first London, but that place was too much for my bank account. So I went to Chicago. I love Chicago. It holds a really important place in my heart. I learned A TON about myself there. I kind of feel like I grew up there. But after almost seven years there, I realized I didn’t belong there either.
Ya know, you look at all the different little groups that people partner up in. I don’t have that I’ve noticed. I don’t have a crew that I hang with on the regular. I like variety in my life and so too with the company I keep. I’m often jealous when I see people hanging out in groups. I don’t have a lot of that in my life. And this trip abroad has really put that into perspective. But on the other hand, I don’t feel like I’m missing anything real. I have tons of friends, some in Florida, some in Chicago, some in other places, now I have a good group of friends out in Europe as well. But regardless of all that, I still find myself not fitting in.
I looked around the party last night and felt like I was an intruder. Not necessarily in a bad way, it just kind of made me realize, that I’m not really too connected to any one group of people. In Chicago I hung with hip hop heads, but never felt like I was really accepted or apart of the scene.
Honestly I don’t know if I will ever fit in anywhere. Most of me is extremely happy with that, because then the people that I keep close to me are there for a real reason. Not just because it makes sense.
But a small part of me, like everyone, wants to fit in. I want to be looked at as part of the group, but being abroad like this makes that completely impossible. Maybe this decision in my life was meant for me to come to terms with that. To help dissolve this giant ego of mine. Because no matter how much I don’t care about what people think of me, I HOPE that they think I am cool or whatever.
So I move forward. No sense in staying stagnant and letting these insecurities sink me, so I figure, fuck it, I’m going to Istanbul. The Visa hasn’t happened yet so why not travel around until it’s time to come back for my appointments. I’ve spent more than enough time in Berlin for now. So today I booked a flight and ten days in an air bnb in Istanbul. After that maybe Bucharest, maybe Croatia, maybe Morocco, maybe who knows.