Sometimes I feel like everything I’ve done or will continue to do is a mistake and I can’t shake the feeling of shame. I don’t know what it feels like to be happy anymore. And I feel like a coward for that. All the things in my life that are exceptional and good seem to get clouded and replaced with negativity. Goals fall apart. My future sometimes feels like a drowning hole that will end with me being locked up in a padded room out of the way of the people in my life I’ve come to burden. The simplest of things have become the impossible barriers standing in the way of myself. And I don’t know how to get past them.
I written so much and will write much much more in my future. I’ve done so many things over the past decade, but why do I still feel like a complete and utter failure? When I look at my family all I see is disdain for my lack of ability to connect with the normal manusia of life. I feel like I’m broken. I’ve walked away from opportunity, from love, from partnership, from home, from everything that once felt so great and calming so as to lock myself away from the world. I don’t find joy in people like I used to. And what makes it worse is I sway back and forth. One day I am positive, then the next all of the world feels like it’s landed on my head and I can’t shake the feeling that I’m a complete waste of energy and time for those that are tethered to me by blood, or love, or whatever.
People close to me have told me that the happiest they’ve ever heard me was when I’m off exploring, and they aren’t wrong, but now I’m back in my parents house trying to get things in order for my next adventure and I can barely move. The future seems to slip further and further down the line…how do you catch up?
Is this going to be my life? Am I always going to be a fucking burden on the world? Someone that others will have to make excuses for? I want to explain myself, but nothing I say makes any sense of what is going on. You’d think someone so acute and prolific with his words and someone who is known for his ability to express himself would be able to explain to people what is ailing him, but that just doesn’t seem to be the case. I’m at a loss.
I had to walk out of a Nordstrom’s rack today in a panic. I was going to explode for no real apparent reason. I was there finding clothes to wear to job interviews. Family members are telling me to go get a job selling cars, I just want to run away. The idea of trying to get a family of four to purchase a mid sized sedan in between waiting on the front steps of the dealership like a pack of hungry dogs, chain smoking and complaining right along with them almost knocks me out.