Lately I’ve started to question every choice I’ve ever made. I try to find where I might have gone wrong somewhere. Motivation in tasks that aren’t high on my list has always been an issue for me. I think that’s why I dissolve into my writing so often . It’s the only thing that I am truly confident in. And even the confidence of my writing doesn’t stop the level of pessimism that I carry with regards to future success with my writing. When it comes to other things, I just don’t seem to grasp the need for them. And I’m beginning to realize for the first time in my life that “Wow, maybe I don’t have all the answers, or all the answers for becoming successful.” I’m starting to doubt. I’m starting to doubt what I’m doing, why I’m doing it, and if I’ll amount to anything. It’s really starting to eat at me, and it can be really destructive. I’ve been in south Florida for three months now and even though I’m home, I feel completely lost. I have been avoiding getting a job since I got here and it’s starting to hurt me and the people in my life.
I never know what I’m about to do. I’m always on the edge of triumph and complete breakdown of the system. All my aspiration, ambition, creativity, and happiness seems to be dedicated to writing and music and the success of this blog. Meanwhile my family looks on in horror while they wonder what the hell is he planning to do when this insane dream doesn’t work out? And now I’m at an age where it’s becoming more and more of a joke. I pass on opportunities to have a solid job and find excuses for myself, I focus on the things that bring me joy and challenge my abilities, instead of taking on tasks I don’t deem important, no matter how vital they might actually be in all reality.
Sometimes I feel broken. Like I can’t seem to manage simple tasks that most people excel at. I once spoke with a psychologist and she said that I am highly critical of others as well as myself and have a hard time seeing the positive in my accomplishments. I can’t deny this. It’s caused me to become a loner and shut in when I’m not off on my own. I prefer conversation with myself over most people. When I go out and I see people laughing and celebrating life in big groups with their arms on each others shoulders with smiles, I only see something that I used to have, but somewhere along the line I lost.
And I think people in my life might be getting tired of dealing with it. I’d imagine that I am extremely frustrating at times, a know it all, louder than anyone you’ve ever met, and I tend to enjoying arguing more than is healthy. I push buttons and preach as if I’m a stellar example of a human being. I’ve been so certain that I have all the answers, even when I proclaim that I don’t, I secretly think that I do (I could be doing it even now).
So how do I get out of this, or do I get out of this? Do I keep pushing? Do I refuse to turn this ship towards common ground still? I don’t know. I don’t think I can. I don’t think I want to. But one thing is for certain, I need a damn job.