dark cloud and looking over the precipice

Dark Cloud and Looking Over the Precipice

Stuck in a Way of Life

The dark cloud above my head seems to be expanding.  It’s something that I’ve dealt with most of my life and I’d imagine I’ll be dealing with this storm of negativity the rest of my life.  I don’t know really how I should be dealing with it.  Everyone has their opinions on how I should, but I still can’t seem to see the sunshine.

I hate when something like Depression takes over your personality and demeanor.  It makes you want to disappear from everyone and take out your short coming on yourself.  What makes things worse is I don’t really have much to complain about…life wise.  I try as hard as I can to see the positive in my life.  I know it’s there.  It’s around every corner of my existence if I’m being honest.  But yet, my mind still burdens me.  I still can’t sleep, I still have trouble smiling.  I still find myself looking off into the distance and praying I find an answer.  And this makes me feel worse.

Dark Cloud don’t wanna Leave

And why is it that seeing people enjoying their lives brings me so much jealousy…maybe not jealousy, more just asking, how?  I’ve never seemed to find myself a place where things makes sense.  I only really find joy in writing.  Solitude can be a double edged sword…to write, I need to be alone to really get out what I’m trying to say, but being closed off tends to drive men mad.

I’ve tried locking myself in my room.  I’ve tried to fake it until I make it.  I smoke copious amounts of weed.  Then I cut back on weed.  I attempt to be more open.  Try new things, make some changes.  I hit the gym, but when that dark cloud comes over me, I lose discipline.  They I hate myself for it.  I look in the mirror and see a version of myself that isn’t what I want to see (granted I’m usually looking through a warped sense of self when I’m dealing with depression).

New Job New Challenges

I’m working a job with tons of financial opportunity, but is boring and weighs on my brain.  I can’t tell if I’m doing this for me, or doing this forever.  The latter disrupts my sleep and my hopes, and I often can’t see the road ahead, when I know, I’m doing this job for myself and my future.

I don’t really know when I’ll come out the other side of this dark cloud, but I know I will, it’s just a matter of how.  Hopefully the world will present my options to me soon.  I’d imagine it’s a combination of several things, but either way it’s terrifying waiting for the sun to rise.

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