depression and the waves of worthlessness

Depression and the Waves of Worthlessness

I’ve started to believe in myself again.  Those thoughts of anxiety and depression are starting to clear up.  I can feel that heavy weight on my back start to lift and shake free.  I came into work today smiling.  This is a good sign.  I’ve been able to talk to people without shocking them with my negativity.  This is another great thing.  I still feel myself pulling along some sort of drama, but it’s getting easier.  Those waves of worthlessness are beginning to back off.  They are getting smaller and smaller and less frequent.

I hit the gym today.  Exercise has always been a major component of my mental well being.  So when I slack on my pimping in the gym, I end up running myself into the ground with regards to the rest of my life.  So I’ve put myself back on a routine that will keep my head up and my spirits positive.

Like many people that deal with depression and anxiety, being getting back into a positive frame of mind can be daunting.  Often people will think that our disposition is sunny, but this is merely a way for us to block out any questions about our health.  It’s a strange thing.  Normally it takes talking to people and getting out those bad thoughts in your head to find some peace, but when you are feeling that depression come on, the last thing you want to do is talk to people.

I’ve spent years battling with depression.  The anxiety of constantly trying not to be anxious is honestly exhausting.  It forces you to bury any anger, resentment, and fear so deep down that it makes you sick when you finally can’t keep it out of your day to day life anymore.  I wish I could say it’s something that once it’s gone is gone, but that would be a lie.  In truth I’ll be dealing with this imbalance for the rest of my life.  My hope is with over time I will be able to develop better coping skills.  Without meds.

The idea of being on medication scares me even worse than the illness does.  I am someone with an addictive personality, so the thought of daily drugs (that aren’t weed) makes me worry.  I don’t wanna have one problem and develop a second.  The hope is that being back in the gym and pushing myself everyday, will propel me past my depression and help me keep my mind on in a positive space.

DarkSide of theDOOM  is the result of a period in my life where my depression almost crippled me

 

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